My Native Feminist Persepective

My body is the land. My body is Mother Earth. My body has been violated, assaulted and almost raped. My body has been ravaged through a 6 1/2 year battle with an eating disorder. I have had an incredible amount of self hate and abuse myself enough. I never knew what self love was until I met some amazing friends while attending graduate school. All my life I knew to hate myself, punish myself and run away from myself. I have been shaking, shaking, shaking uncontrollably.

People often don't understand my perspective. This is because the world does not see the Native Feminist perspective. It was great to finally read about what I have experienced and felt in this world. This year I read Conquest: Sexual Violence and American Indian Genocide, by Andrea Smith.

Reading this book only connected the dots and brought situations in my life together. What was once disjointed and incomprehensible was completely clear to me. Why did I have so much self hate? Why did I have deep depression? Why do I have so much anger?

The answer is simple. Internalized oppression, generational trauma, shame and guilt are all associated with having Ojibway heritage. While internalizing my oppression I developed an eating disorder at age 20. I battled this eating disorder before I healed it by age 26. I still reflect on what it is like to walk rapidly around town til the point of pain. I still reflect on what it is like to stare at a cupboard full of food and see nothing but emptiness and death. I reflect on hating myself to the point of wanting to annihilate my own existence, being, body, spirit, heart and brilliance.

Who wants someone who understands the energy of the Earth? Who wants someone who connects with the patterns of life, the flow of the animals on the land and how the Earth speaks? Who wants someone who values the Earth over money, exploitation, oppression, violence and dominance? Who really values this on Earth? Not many do.

So standing tall in who I am has taken a long time to get to. I am still working on it everyday. I am still stripping layers of my wounds and the wounds that the generations prior experienced. When I finally heal one layer it is time to heal another. I feel directly connected to what happens to other women, women of color, aboriginal, indigenous, first nations and native women worldwide. Our bodies have been targets to exploitation and oppression. Our bodies have been raped, abused, assaulted, violated and we are in pain.

We have the power to heal. We have the strength to heal. I have the power to heal. I have the strength to heal. I can shine in my wisdom, grace, beauty and brilliance. I just follow my feet and my heart to see where my path will take me next. Will I be asked to heal something I am unaware of? Will I be asked to speak to people about healing from internalized oppression? Will I be empowering others to boldly and proudly speak their truth?

So to heal from cultural annihilation I must heal. When I was engulfed in the trenches in my eating disorder all I thought about was hurting myself and getting rid of myself. Isn't that a part of the colonized mind and body? I must heal every layer that has been wounded in my being. Because in healing I am honoring my body, mind and spirit. I am honoring my words, wisdom, truth, connection to the land and way of life. I am honoring a sacred wisdom and knowing that has been stripped from a culture and people. I am honoring myself as a woman with Ojibway heritage. I am honoring myself as a woman who understands the Earth and her patterns, energy, and how she is the truth. I must continue to heal, I must move forward in paving a path of truth.

----------

My Native Feminist Perspective was inspired by Glennisha Morgan's post "Recent Reflection." Also, it has been inspired by Renee at Womanist Musings to speak my personal truth and write from my world view.